Vow

After my last post I vowed that I was going to step away from the situation and enjoy the things I did have. A great husband, two crazy dogs, a house that I own, fantastic new furniture and a family that I love even if they do drive me nuts most days. There's not really much that I can do, right now, about the inablility to get pregnant. I realize I just need to give it a little bit of time so that's what I'm going to do. Acutally I don't have much choice since this month and next month are out b/c my due date would fall smack in the middle of my last quarter of my Master's so now we wait until Anniversary week and keep our fingers crossed. I've talked with an old friend and she gave me some pointers to maybe help the process so we'll try without intervention until January, then it's on.

This vow however doesn't keep me from noticing that everyone woman in the world is pregnant, except me. Nor does it keep me from bursting into tears at the most random of times, of course my best friend leaving may have something to do with too. It does however allow me to put things it to perspective. The main one being that this time that I feels being wasted by not being pregnant is allowing me to focus on school and my marriage. So that when I finally am pregnant I'll be done with school hopfully in a job that motivates and stimulates and my marriage will be stronger than it is now.

So while I realize this vow will be hard to keep the next two months when AF shows her face I'll push on b/c that's what I do. I've survived far more painful things in my life, I say that now but if it winds up being that somethings wrong I'll very well change my tune, and I 100% believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and that God only gives us what we can handle. And while I wish that GOD didn't think I was so strong and that He didn't trust me so much I trust him to know when the right time is for hubz and I to start this next chapter. So untill then I'll continue to pray my mantra and ask God to guide me b/c with Him all things are possible.

Trudging on

Last Thursday I had one of those days where everything made me cry or pissed me off. Once again AF showed her ugly face and now we're on to month 7! I realized that I was only 9 days out from my best friend leaving for Cali and life in general just became too much. Soooooo...off to the mall I went. I really did have a purpose, I needed to get my shoes for SIL's wedding next month and get a REDSKINS tank top for training camp the next day, but I also needed something to sooth my nerves so I also made to COACH purchases, added to extra pairs of shoes to the ones I needed and headed to Old Navy for 3 skirts, a tank top and a cute sweater for when it finally starts to cool down. All in all a productive evening.

I love hubz to death but he just doesn't understand my frustration in not being pregnant yet. Probably because, as he likes to remind me, he already has a kid so obviously the problem is me and not him. I have a problem with this being so difficult. I hate to fail at ANYTHING and right now I feel like I'm failing at one of the most important things I will ever do in my life. So now I do what I do best. I study and ask questions and figure out how and what to do to help the process along. I have an old friend from high school that had fertility issues, not that that's the probelm, but she's given me some words of encouragement as well as advice to hopefully help. At this point I'll take anything I can get. One thing I've learned from this whole thing is if/when I have a daughter I will not let her go on hormonal birth control because I would hate for her to have the same problems I'm having.