Thursday, November 19, 2009

Another Month...

So I'm one more closer to the one year mark. AF is on her way and should be here by the end of the day or early tomorrow. I had a good cry before work this morning and now I'm just trying to get through the day. I always used to be that girl who would tell those having problems TTC that they just needed to relax and let it happen, but now that it's me I realize that even though those words were coming from a good place they're hurtful. Unless you've struggle with having a baby you don't understand the pain you feel every month when AF rears her ugly head. My heart literaly breaks every month when my temp falls, when I'm temping, or I start spotting because I know exactly what's coming next.

So here I sit staring month 9 in the eye and all I can think is that if I had gotten PG the first month we'd have a baby sometime soon. Instead I'm planning a second Christmas, this year hosted by us, in our house with no baby to call my own. All while people around me get PG, are PG or are getting ready to welcome new additions into thier families in the next few weeks. It breaks my heart because while I'm happy for all of them I want what they have and don't know one way or the other if I'll ever have it.

Now I wait for a positive or a negative next month so that I can move one more month closer to the one year mark and finding out some answers. I pray and I'm thankful that I learned a long time ago that life's not always fair because it makes dealing with the monthly disappointment easier.

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