Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Birthday ... to ME!!!

Today's my birthday.  This day has been 30 years in the making. When I was little I would dream about being a grown-up and for some reason I didn't think you were really a grown-up until you were 30.  However, there was also something about 30 that scared me, I mean once I turned 30 what happened?  Was life over as I knew it?  Ahhhh...the wonderings of a child.

No to long ago, like 6 months probably, I was dreading the big 3-0. I haven't done any of the the things I thought I would by now.  I was suppose to be a big corporate lawyer living in New York, probably still single and "looking to mingle".  Alas, what is it they say about God laughing when we make plans?   Well the Big Man has a great time at my expensive, and ya know what?  I'm not upset about it. 

A few times a year I like to reflect on my life, my birthday is one those occasions.  My life is not without mistakes and errors in judgements but they all make up the person I've become.  There are times I can clearly look back and remember as shaping points in my life: my parents seperation, my little brother's birth, my college acceptance, my Nana's passing, high school graduation, college (although some of  it's hazy), meeting hubz and realizing he was it, my wedding, getting my Master's and most recently the birth of the Bean.  All these moments have led me here, to today, the celebration of 30 years.

Tim McGraw sums up what I'll do with the next 30 years. 

Artist:Tim McGraw
Song:My Next 30 Years
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I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here ,In my next thirty years

I wonder if I'll still have this blog 30 years from now?  Where instead of blogging about the Bean and his siblings I'll be blogging about my grandkids!  Will we have something even more advanced then computers by then?  Who knows but I do know that in my next 30 years I'll continued to be surrounded by a group of family and friends that grounds me and drives me crazy all at the same time but that regardless of what we may go through I know will always have my back!

Happy Halloween!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Just a Momma and her boy!
 It still amazes me that I'm a Momma to this little person that looks like me!  Happy Wednesday.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


I've mentioned before that ever since having the Bean I cry more frequently.  Lately, I feel like I'm in a heightened state of emotions.  I'm not really even sure why, well I partially am the hubz and I are in a weird place right now, and since I'm not 100% sure why it's hard for me to go about fixing it.  It's like I'm being tested.  Tested as a mother and wife mostly and I'm not passing the test. 

After 13 months of motherhood I'm more overwhelmed now then I was when the Bean finally came home and was on special formula and a feeding schedule.  The Hubz and I are in a rut and feel like we just keeping getting further and further in with no sign of ever it getting better.  That last one is the biggy and what hurts my heart the most.  It's like I can physically feel us moving apart.

I went into parenthood knowing that my life and marriage would change but this is not what I was expecting, AT ALL.

Monday, October 17, 2011


The Bean turned 13 months two weeks ago, I still need to do his 13-month post, and he's growing by leaps and bounds.  When he was first born, especially after he was so sick I use to compare him to friends babies that were a few weeks older and younger then him.  Then I realized I was going to drive myself crazy doing that because he was going to do what he wanted, when he wanted and there was nothing I could really do about it short of being  his cheerleader when he mastered a new skill.

In the last month all our kids have turned one and the Bean is still on his own schedule of doing things.  He's still not walking and really isn't showing any signs of wanting to.  He only has 4.5 teeth, that .5 is taking it's sweet time coming in.  He was FINALLY sleeping through the nite until 2 weeks ago when he got his first ear infection and started cutting 4 teeth at once ...FUN!!!  And still I don't worry that he's behind until I see that one of the little people is already in a toddler bed and the other's parents have bought a training potty and are getting ready to start potty training!  So now I'm asking myself, am I holding him back?  The thought of him in a toddler bed stresses me out because the kid gets into EVERYTHING and putting him in a room, by himself at nite where he is free to roam around just seems like a bad idea.  And potty training, really, he can't even really talk yet!

Yesterday my mother-in-law said she was in awe of the fact that I hadn't become a helicopter parent after his illness (I'm paraphrasing).  And while I was a little OMG about everything at first, I eventually realized that he's a kid. He's going to get sick and eat dirt and there's nothing I can do about it except love him and console him and hope he doesn't swallow too much of it -- the dirt.  So I guess I'll just take everything in stride, just like I have since he was born, he'll tell us with his behavior when he's ready for a toddler bed and too potty train.  Sure at this point we have a plan for both but the plan is just that and not set in stone.  If come 18 months he's not ready for either then we'll reevaluate. 

This parenting thing is tricky and comparing our kids makes it even harder.  So I'm taking a step back and really realizing that everyone parents differently.  I hate diapers and would love to be done with them, but since we're having more kids ... I hope ... diapers are in my for see able future so rushing The Bean out of them doesn't really mean much.  And sure I wish it was a little easier to put him to bed when he's fallen asleep but in to short a time he won't even need me to put him to bed so I'm cherishing this time while I can because really it's gone before we know it.

Happy Monday.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Taken for Granted

I just read a post on Facebook from the dad of a little girl that passed away in September from cancer, she was 5.  He talked about not taking people and life for granted.  It got me thinking about the people and things in my life I take for granted.  If you always assume that someone or something is always going to be there will you ever take the time to appreciate what they bring into your life?

Lately, I've been very frustrated (although I'm not sure that's the right word) with the state of my life.  It's not so much work, but my personal life.  I feel like I'm living my life alone and not in the partnership that I though I was suppose to have.  Then it gets me thinking, am I expecting too much?  I grew up in a family where my mom was the one doing it all and my dad was just kind of there, at least that's how it seemed to me, and now I feel like I'm living that same life.  This isn't the life I thought I was getting but I guess I've allowed it to be that way.  Then I read the words of this grieving father and think while I am surely being taken for granted I am also doing the taking  for granted. So my thought is maybe if I appreciate the things that are getting done, even if they're small and not the way I'd do them, then maybe the appreciation will be payed forward. 

I once read some where that you can't control the behaviors and actions of others, you can only control your own behaviors and actions.  This is so true! I can only change the way I've been acting and hope that my behavior leads to changes in others. I don't expect perfect I just want content.  I want to feel like I'm not carrying this extremely heavy, awkward load by myself.  I want to know that I can count on someone to be there when I stumble and lately that's not what it feels like.  Lately, it feels like it's just me, all alone left to battle life on my own with all the responsibilities that being a grown-up brings with it.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

4 Years

4-years ago I married the man that I'm convinced was made for me. Eight years ago, when we met, I'd never guessed we'd be here, celebrating four years of marriage.  He's more than my best friend, he's my husband.   Our life may not always be the easiest but I know no matter what that we'll come out on the other side together.  This time last year he was holding me up as I adjusted to being a new momma with a sick baby.  And a year later we're cheering on that same little baby, who turned out to no be sick, as he tries to take is first steps. He tries keep me from being worried all the time and reminds me that life is for living and doesn't need a continuous schedule.

As I think about the next year, 5 years, 10 years and more I'm excited to see where life takes us.  As we grow our family and work towards our dreams I'm happy to know that I'll be sharing it with this man that I truely feel blessed to have in my life.

Husband you make my life full and fun. While we might not always see eye to eye and we have our difficult and trying times know that no matter what we're a team and in 50 years we'll look back on all our road blocks fondly and realize it's how we got to where we are.  I'm blessed to call you my husband, friend and partner.

Love you lovey!  Happy Anniversary!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Tomorrow the hubz and I are celebrating 4 years of wedded bliss.  We'll it's not always blissful but it's life!
The Hubz and I on St. Patrick's Day.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Friends ...

Sometimes I wish I was a kid again, it was so easy to make friends.  However, then I remember how I was picked on for a time in elementary school and I rethink that wish.  But seriously being a grown-up, momma and wife makes it hard to find people to hang out with because I'm always busy, tired or with my little cutie.  And don't get me wrong I love it but sometimes I wish I had people in my life that were in the same place in their life that I could do things with ... of course if I did they'd never have any time because they'd be busy being a grown-up, Momma and wife. It's quite the quandary.

I sound like I'm some pathetic person who does nothing but sit in her house all alone moping and while most days I feel like that I do have some friends.  My bestest friend in the whole world (she's pictured here) and I have been friends for close to 20 years! I love her like she's my sister because really after 20 years she might as well be but she's currently living in Cali and some days my heart hurts to have her so far away.  She's moving back to VA in December and will be in Norfolk and I'm so excited and see many a road trip in my future!  I also have hubz' sister whose one of my dearest friends and handful of other ladies that I love dearly so I'm not really sure of the point of this post because I do have friends.  It's just sometimes I wish that I knew someone close by that was a working, kick-ass, weekday single Momma like myself that I could just call up and be like .. "Hey get thee and thy brood to my house for some grub."  But alas I don't and so most days I feel like I'm all alone.  Yes, I'm married but as I've mentioned ad nauseum hubz' job is shitastic and not family friendly AT ALL, so I spend a lot of nites taking care of things on my own and I'd just like a buddy to hang out with and drink wine with while our kids tear my house apart.  But since that's not in the cards I guess it's just me, my glass of whine wine and, at least for this week, a fussy baby (he's got an ear infection).  The good news is my baby's cute and the wine is readily available and delicious.